Ba-crack: addictive new drug mongs media!!!

Nonsense news that can’t be proved otherwise!

The evil effects of Ba-crack seen affecting front pages across the globe!

Photo by Steve Garfield

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Crack pipes & Graffiti – Yo!bama’s White House “changes” fo’shizzle!

Nonsense news that can’t be proved otherwise!

Graffiti, including a crudely-drawn phallus and an “F.U.W” , clearly visible on White House’s South Portico

Is this is a crackpipe on an  LBJ Oval office coffee table?

Photos remixed from originals by drstout and Robert of Fairfax

Chagrin & Bear It: Obama’s “Performance Anxiety” Issues Get Thropplenoggined

In a new weekly column, Professor Q.T. Thropplenoggin, “phenomenologist to the stars” helps celebrities solve their dilemmas

Stumble It!

Fed Goes Neg: Rates Slashed to -0.5%!

Occasional nonsense stories that can’t be proved otherwise.

Stumble It!

O-SPAM-A!

Occasional nonsense stories that can’t be proved otherwise.

Low-bama: President-elect suffering “speaker’s dropsy”; rhetoric plunges into lower octaves

Occasional nonsense stories that can’t be proved otherwise…

It was today reported that President-elect Barack Obama was suffering from a grave rhetorical disease called speaker’s dropsy, a severe vocal handicap that forces sufferers to end each sentence in a lower octave than the one they started in.

Signs of the debilitating syndrome were first spotted by “surgeon to the stars”, Dr. R.P. Thropplenoggin at a September press conference in Dampy Squib, Ohio.  Dr. Thropplenoggin said, “I couldn”t believe my ears – it was the dreaded dropsy!” and went on to mimic Obama’s vocal mannerisms at the time:

“The economy is in a‭ ‬mess‭. ‬We know‭ ‬that‭.  ‬But we also know that this is the Greatest America‭ ‬in the world‭, better than all the others.‬“

At severe moments, dropsy can even affect clauses within a single sentence, as happened in early November at a stump speech in Superabundantville, Texas:

“I promise to serve the American people, to find jobs where jobs there are none, to cut taxes where taxes there are many, …”

It is feared that this could be a new CIA-engineered tool in the War on Credit, by using a subliminal subtext operating inside these lower frequencies.

Critics cite a speech from late November 2008, when Obama appeared to be saying nothing much, but which still received wall-to-wall media coverage.

“I’m talking about change. Yes, we can. A change that’s so real you can kiss it. And I believe in the ‘Merican economy. And I believe that in time we’re going to revalue our assets.

Dr. Thropplenoggin was quoted as saying that, if dropsy remains untreated, the lower frequency utterances could end up dominating Obama’s speech, resulting in a low rumbling sound like that of thunder, often used in theatre and Hollywood to indicate something ominous.

In other news today, it was reported that Obama had picked Hillary Clinton to be US Secretary of State.

The War On…Fluffington Post

The War On… series, a new column exposing contrived media idiocies

Fluffmongering, or the art of peddling fluff, would be the ideal way to describe Internet newspaper [sic], Fluffington Post. Arianna Huffington’s precocious baby, born in May 2005, is now a multi-million dollar uber-tabloid, offering journalism students everywhere a crash-course in the cutting-edge world of cut’n'paste churnalism 2.0.

Indeed, Fluffington Post is currently puffing its own book, The Complete Guiding To Blogging, on its site. The key seems to be this: you can report on the Fourth Estate’s original reporting second-hand, but only if you use a Get Out Of Plagiarism Jail free card. i.e. tagging on a diminutive hyperlink to the original.

In the boring old days, this was called cheating. In today’s brave new w-w-world, it goes by the name “aggregator blog”, which means “borrowing” the hard work of others and presenting it in a lurid, sensationalised way – preferably in size 36 Arianna fonts, bold italics (natch). These aforementioned “headlines” are accompanied either with some ‘aw, shucks!‘ pretty pictures or “video footage” directly from that font of all titillating brainslop, Youtube. For the full user-generated experience, a comment section is added, with Stalinesque models of moderation and censorship in situ to wipe out any dissenting voices from the status quo of More Liberal Than Thou!

Even more amusing and odious than the narcissistic name of this tabloid extravaganza, are the links one can follow to “All Things Arianna”, an exercise of self-marketing worthy of Queen Robot herself, O(h, that’s another million bucks I just made)prah. Here, BS swallowers loyal to the scandal-fuhrer can follow her upcoming schedule, TV appearances, radio appearances, podcasts, publications, speeches, bowel movements, dental visits, and recommended depilatory treatments for stubborn upper-lip and underarm filaments.

As tabloid hooey always has, fluff works on a classic formula of hype promotion; namely Shock & Awesome! Hysterical headlines pull the punters in, while a ribald scoop can make it onto the news networks, where Fluff-meister AH seems to spend a lot of time. The site is therefore littered with digg this and buzz up buttons, to encourage readers to do the hard work of peddling the fluff for them. Adverts, of course, squeal at you from all angles, although it’s often hard to discern between FluffPo “articles” and the candy-coloured adverts themselves. Neat trick.

Like many doing the web-based media mash, FluffPo is involved in a global game of “First!” – that annoying thing users like to write on freshly-minted articles. Simultaneously, now that FluffPo has been successful in helping to get a pwoper-woper wiberal into the Whitehouse, it can no longer sleep. FluffPo is a 24/7 many-headed beast, not content at sticking to politics, it is now metastasizing into Style and Living and a bizarre phenomenon called Big News. You can bet superabundantly-sized readers heaved a humongous sigh of relief when they saw that they were getting their very own wide-angle coverage, eh?

FluffPo is now a highly virulent news sphincter, capable of squeezing out any old dribble of news and hearsay into sensationalist coils of hyper-caca, and is, even as I write, evolving into Obama’s very own mouthpiece.

Stories coming to a FluffPo near you:

- Boxers, Y-Fronts or Tanga Thongs – What Obama’s Underwear Could Say About The Next 4 Years!

– Obama’s Daughters Wearing Jimmy Choos? That’s So Last Year But Says A Lot About The Crisis At The Heart of Young Womanhood

– Herstory – What Obama’s Wife’s Nail Polish Has To Say About The State Liberal American Nails Are In (And Why It Matters To YOU!)